i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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