Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
