Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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