I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
