Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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