that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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