how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
