before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
