I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
