I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
