Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
