When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
