Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
