I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I checked into jail on foursquare
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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