6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
