Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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