i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
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She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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