He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
