Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
