idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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