my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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