Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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