I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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