I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
