What a fucking waste of an outfit
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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