No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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