May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
