I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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