I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
