Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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