dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
