life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
