Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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