I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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