Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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