Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
