I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Randomize
