just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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