I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
