Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
As shirtless as possible
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
