i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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