i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
