just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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