Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
