Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
