i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
