one two three fourrrrnication!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
