So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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