It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
