Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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