Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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