I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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